Fighting Kids? 10 Steps to Peace

Tonight is book club night!  A few months back some girls from one of my play groups decided to get together occasionally after bed time (wild women we are!) to talk about parenting books.  It's probably not everyone's ideal way to spend an evening out, but we have a lot of fun.

Our read this month was Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Dr. Christine Carter).  There was so much practically useful information in this one, that I had to share a taste of it with you. 

This time next year I will have two children under the age of three.  I have no siblings and NO experience with sibling arguments and I'm already nervous about fighting kids. So.... I loved this list!  I know it will be awhile before I'll be able to use just this method with my little guys (Yogi isn't really up for two-way conversation yet), but the spirit will still apply.

Here goes......

#1 Breathe

Take a deep breath and collect your own self before entering into the fray.  If you are rattled and yelling yourself, you're just going to escalate emotions.  Enter the situation with as much calm as you can muster.  

#2 Address the Situation

Call it what is.  We have to help our children gain confidence in confronting a problem squarely by acknowledging that there is a problem here that we need to solve. 

#3 Promote Calm

Before we can address a problem we have to let the heat of the moment pass.  Christine recommends a peace table to help kids step back and gain perspective before tackling the problem. 

#4 Identify What They Want

Ask each child to identify the problem as they say it (answers might be different and that's ok) and what it is that they want. 

#5 Express Feelings

Have everyone use an "I" statement to communicate how this fight has made them feel.  This might sound like: "I feel angry when you hide my doll" and follows the form, I feel X when you do Y. 

#6 Communicate Understanding

Make sure everyone understands what has been said.  This is one way to help build empathy. 

#7 Shift the Focus

Now that everyone understands the problem, we can help our children focus on the problem instead of one another.

#8 Create Possible Soultions

Ask the children to work together to come up with a few solutions that could meet the needs that were expressed earlier.  They may come up with solutions that seem like a bad idea to you, but that's ok.  As long as they are happy with them (and they don't create other problems) that's all that matters.

#9 Agree on One

Now that they have a few ideas, they need to pick the one that seems best to everyone. 

#10 Move Forward and Have Some Fun

Hug it out!