Fighting Kids? 10 Steps to Peace

Tonight is book club night!  A few months back some girls from one of my play groups decided to get together occasionally after bed time (wild women we are!) to talk about parenting books.  It's probably not everyone's ideal way to spend an evening out, but we have a lot of fun.

Our read this month was Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Dr. Christine Carter).  There was so much practically useful information in this one, that I had to share a taste of it with you. 

This time next year I will have two children under the age of three.  I have no siblings and NO experience with sibling arguments and I'm already nervous about fighting kids. So.... I loved this list!  I know it will be awhile before I'll be able to use just this method with my little guys (Yogi isn't really up for two-way conversation yet), but the spirit will still apply.

Here goes......

#1 Breathe

Take a deep breath and collect your own self before entering into the fray.  If you are rattled and yelling yourself, you're just going to escalate emotions.  Enter the situation with as much calm as you can muster.  

#2 Address the Situation

Call it what is.  We have to help our children gain confidence in confronting a problem squarely by acknowledging that there is a problem here that we need to solve. 

#3 Promote Calm

Before we can address a problem we have to let the heat of the moment pass.  Christine recommends a peace table to help kids step back and gain perspective before tackling the problem. 

#4 Identify What They Want

Ask each child to identify the problem as they say it (answers might be different and that's ok) and what it is that they want. 

#5 Express Feelings

Have everyone use an "I" statement to communicate how this fight has made them feel.  This might sound like: "I feel angry when you hide my doll" and follows the form, I feel X when you do Y. 

#6 Communicate Understanding

Make sure everyone understands what has been said.  This is one way to help build empathy. 

#7 Shift the Focus

Now that everyone understands the problem, we can help our children focus on the problem instead of one another.

#8 Create Possible Soultions

Ask the children to work together to come up with a few solutions that could meet the needs that were expressed earlier.  They may come up with solutions that seem like a bad idea to you, but that's ok.  As long as they are happy with them (and they don't create other problems) that's all that matters.

#9 Agree on One

Now that they have a few ideas, they need to pick the one that seems best to everyone. 

#10 Move Forward and Have Some Fun

Hug it out!

3 Things You Should Know: The Busy Parents' Guide to NurtureShock

 
If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard about this book.  It’s  been called “One of the most important books you‘ll read this year” (Daniel H. Pink).  In case you haven’t found the time to wade through the 239 pages of text I’ve got your back.  Here is a guide to three of the key take-away messages from the book.

All That Praise Isn’t Telling Our Children What We Think It Is

When we say things like “Way to go honey, you’re so smart!” we think we’re bolstering our child’s all-important self-esteem, but what we’re really telling them is “It’s important to look smart.  Better not take a risk, you don’t want to look stupid.”  Bronson and Merryman’s research suggests that it is much more beneficial to praise your child’s effort, as effort is a variable over which we have control.  A kid can work harder if they choose to, but there’s not much to be done if you want to be “smarter”.

All of this is not to say that we shouldn’t praise our children, but we should follow a handful of important pieces of advice:

Be specific - Telling your child how much you appreciate their willingness to clean up their toys is much more instructive and meaningful than telling them what a good boy/girl they are.

Be sincere - Children know when they’re being put on.  Empty praise can backfire.  Psych research suggests that by the time kids get to high school they are so accustomed to praise that they perceive criticism to be a better indicator of a teacher’s belief in their ability. 

Don’t over-do it - Over praising can actually erode your child’s intrinsic motivation.  One of my high school teachers called this phenomenon “jumping for yummies”.  When you receive praise for every move you make, you become dependent on it and you lose touch with the intrinsic joy of doing something for the thing itself.

Choosing Not to Talk About Race Sends Its’ Own Message and It’s Not the One You Think

Race makes people uncomfortable.  Talking with their own kids about race seems to make most people really uncomfortable.  However, kids intuitively understand that when we don’t talk about something, that something is usually bad.  This intuition combined with the child’s developmental tendency to attend carefully to differences of all kinds and categorize accordingly, means that when we pretend to be color blind our kids draw their own conclusions.  Making vague statements such as “Everybody’s equal” is not concrete enough to be understandable for young children.  If we want our children to dwell comfortably in a diverse world, we need to talk explicitly about differences.  When your five-year old declares boldly in the grocery line that “Brown people are from Africa!” she is sharing something that she’s learned.  Grabbing her hand, going red in the face and attempting to distract her with the candy display teaches her something else and it’s probably not the message that you would choose.

Sleep Isn‘t Just for the Weak

Children get an hour less sleep a night than they did thirty years ago.  An hour doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?  A lost hour of sleep is something that adults can manage with relative ease, but it is a different matter for children.  Children spend a greater proportion of their sleep storing and organizing memories than adults.  The more children learn during the day, the more sleep they need at night.  Without that sleep, their brains are less likely to store the new information.  It is for this reason, that one scientist declared that “Sleep disorders can impair children’s IQ as much as lead exposure.”  As much as we want to cram as much as we can into each day, emerging brain science indicates that protecting our child’s sleep is one of the best ways to prepare them for the future.  

Want to read more?  Check out the website!

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (Amy Chua)

Earlier this year everyone was talking about this book.  From the New York Times and NPR to Stephen Colbert and the Wall Street Journal, lots of folks were weighing in on this unusual parenting memoir.When the Tiger Mother brew-ha-ha hit in January I had left my academic career (in which research related to cultural diversity played a large role) six months before and was at home with an infant.  To say that I was in the target audience for this book would be like saying that Chua's critique of what she calls"Western" parenting was scathing.  Um...yeah.

So what was it that got everyone all riled up?  Well, first it was the bold and aggressive voice of the author.  Not two pages into the book, Chua offers a bulleted list of all of the things (attend a sleepover, get any grade less than an A, watch TV or play computer games) that her daughters (pictured above - L to R Sophia, the Tiger Mother herself, Lulu) were never allowed to do. It is evident from the outset that the author intends to demonstrate and argue for the "rightness" of Chinese parenting to her (one would assume) largely American audience.  What is less clear is where the author herself truly stands with respect to the issues and family experiences that she outlines in the book.

It is the story beneath the story that I wonder about.  In spite of her bravado in recounting epic piano practice sessions and seemingly heartless interactions with her children (she writes on page 103 of her response to what she believed to be a hastily created birthday card from Lulu "I don't want this," I said.  "I want a better one - one that you've put some thought and effort into.  I have a special box, where I keep all my cards from you and Sophia, and this one can't go in there.") there is a note of something like the need for approval in her tone.  As much as she assures the reader that she knows what she's doing and she's confident that her way is the right way, it sounds like she's reassuring herself.

I enjoy reading memoirs and I especially enjoy reading books written by people who seem just a bit (how would you say it?) nutty.  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother handily meets both of those criteria.  So, in spite of the fact that the writing was fairly academic (read: hum drum) and the story seemed to wander around in search of itself, I'm glad I read the book and it even gave me a few interesting things to consider in my own journey as a parent. The first is that writing a book about what a great parent you are (while explicitly ridiculing your perception of the dominant parenting style in the culture in which you're writing) while your children are in their teens is just asking for trouble.  I mean, hasn't some agent already got those girls under contract for the tell-all companion Battle Hymn of the Tiger Daughters?

The second (and certainly more serious) take-away from the book came the 10th chapter in which Chua outlines the three big differences between  the mind-sets of Chinese and Western parents.

1. Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem.
2. Chinese parents believe that their children owe them everything.
3. Chinese parents believe they know what it best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.

I think that this first point is a very valid one.  While as a psychologist (and a human being and a parent) I value the importance that the development of healthy self-esteem has in the lives of children, I do not believe that the "every child that fogs the mirror deserves a blue ribbon" philosophy that seems to be in vogue is one that is beneficial to anyone.  Children understand what is going on around them and when they are consistently rewarded for behavior that is average or even sub-standard they begin to lose trust in their environments.  I agree (can you believe it?) with Chua when she asserts that this approach to parenting and education comes from an assumption of weakness instead of strength in our children.  Here are her words on the Chinese view of self-esteem:

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them.  If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough.  That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child.  The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. 

I'm not going to rally behind the use of shaming, but with that (yes, considerable) exception there is something that rings true to me in her thinking here.  It seems to me that much of the ethic behind the over-praising of children is the (perhaps unconscious) assumption that there is an inherent weakness in children that parents are called upon to strengthen through support and encouragement.  I'm not going to be arranging my own battle hymn anytime soon, but I do think that Chua is on to something with this point.  Leading with the expectation of strength (internal resilience, fortitude) in your children is an inspiring kind of leadership.  The kind of thing that nurtures intrinsic motivation instead of the endless searching for external validation.

So, has anyone else read this?  What did you think?  Leave a comment and let me know, I'm eager to hear.

My Reading Life (Pat Conroy)

Oh Pat Conroy. I do love you.

On the days in which the weather allowed for it, the boys and I have been taking walks with Pat Conroy.  Well..... I'm the only one with the earbuds, so I suppose I have been taking walks with Pat Conroy.  It's been awhile since I've read him and when I found this collection of essays in audio and read by the man himself at the library, I jumped at it.  Almost before he had made his way into the second paragraph I was wondering what had taken me so long.

In high school a teacher handed me a copy of The Lords of Discipline.  I didn't so much read that book as I, as Conroy himself might say, devoured it.  I fell in love with the passionate intensity of his language.  The way he told a story was unlike anything I had ever seen and I was hooked.  In short order I read The Great Santini, The Prince of Tides and The Water is Wide.  Reading Pat Conroy was electrifying.  His stories made me want to write a story of my own.  What I knew of his Southern childhood made me feel like I could.

Then, I went to college.  Among the English majors, citing Pat Conroy as one of your favorite writers was a bit like admitting that you sleep with a stuffed elephant.  It just wasn't done.  It was fine to show an interest in Southern fiction, but for heaven's sake read Flannery O' Conner or Robert Penn Warren.  So, I let him go.  I have read neither Beach Music or South of Broad.  My Reading Life reminded me that I need to get on that.  Pronto.

Reading Pat Conroy makes me happy.  Well, if you've read his books you know that's something of a stretch.  His stories don't so much make me feel any one thing as that they make me feel.  They also make me proud to call the South home.

And because I can't resist, here are a few excerpts from the book.

I had witnessed with my own eyes that a poem could make a Colonel cry. Though it was not part of a lesson plan, it imparted a truth that left me spellbound. Great words, arranged with cunning and artistry, could change the perceived world for some readers. From the beginning, I’ve searched out those writers unafraid to stir up the emotions, who entrust me with their darkest passions, their most indestructible yearnings, and their most soul killing doubts. I trust the great novelists to teach me how to live, how to feel, how to love and hate. I trust them to show me the dangers I will encounter on the road as I stagger on my own troubled passage through a complicated life of books that try to teach me how to die.

I grew up a word haunted boy. I felt words inside me and stored them wondrous as pearls. I mouthed them and fingered them and rolled them around on my tongue. My mother filled my bedtime hour with poetry that rang like Sanctus bells as she praised the ineffable loveliness of the English language with her Georgia-scented voice. I found that hive of words beautiful beyond all conveyance. They clung to me and blistered my skin and made me happy to be alive in the land of crape myrtle, spot-tailed bass and eastern diamond backs. The precise naming of things served as my entryway into art. The whole world could be sounded out. I could arrange the whole world into a tear sheet of music composed of words as pretty as flutes or the tail feathers of peacocks.  From my earliest days, I felt compelled to form a unique relationship with the English language. I used words to fashion a world that made sense to me.

A Reliable Wife (Robert Goolrick)

First the summary from the publisher, Algonquin Books.

Rural Wisconsin, 1909. In the bitter cold, Ralph Truitt, a successful businessman, stands alone on a train platform waiting for the woman who answered his newspaper advertisement for "a reliable wife." But when Catherine Land steps off the train from Chicago, she's not the "simple, honest woman" that Ralph is expecting. She is both complex and devious, haunted by a terrible past and motivated by greed. Her plan is simple: she will win this man's devotion, and then, ever so slowly, she will poison him and leave Wisconsin a wealthy widow. What she has not counted on, though, is that Truitt — a passionate man with his own dark secrets —has plans of his own for his new wife. Isolated on a remote estate and imprisoned by relentless snow, the story of Ralph and Catherine unfolds in unimaginable ways.
With echoes of Wuthering Heights and Rebecca, Robert Goolrick's intoxicating debut novel delivers a classic tale of suspenseful seduction, set in a world that seems to have gone temporarily off its axis.

This one took me awhile.  First it came in the chapter-a-day emails I get from the library each week.  The character of Ralph Truitt dominates the early chapters and his voice was so true and compelling that I was eager to read more.  During one of my many used book selling trips  prior to the move last summer, I found a copy in excellent shape and brought it home with me.  So much for getting rid of books.

I started back in on the story sometime in July, but I couldn't stay with it.  There was just nothing there to pull me in.  Of course the fact that my wife was due to have a baby at any moment might have contributed to my lack of attention, but now that I've read the book I'm sure that I was simply trying to read the book in the wrong season.  This is very much a cold weather read and if you had to pick the best month to read A Reliable Wife, it would definitely be January.

It is not only that the book is set in the middle of a brutal winter, but that the story itself is a story of the cold.  The writing is precise and spare and each of the three main characters are stark in their isolation.  However, underneath the icy surface of this story, the heat of frustrated longing is palpable.  If you are fascinated by the idea of redemption, you don't mind more narrative than action and you have a very warm and cozy blanket, this could be the book for you.  There's still plenty of cold days left!

Room (Emma Donoghue)

You should read this book, but first you should watch this video.  I found it while looking around for book cover images to use for my review.  I couldn't describe it any better than this.

The False Friend (Myla Goldberg)

I should begin this post by stating clearly that I am a huge Myla Goldberg fan.  Bee Season remains one of my favorite books of all time and in spite of the fact that I didn't really get her next effort (Wickett's Remedy), I was optimistic about her latest, The False Friend. Based on the descriptions I could find, I was expecting to find that she had abandoned the historical fiction angle and had returned safely home to what I thought she did best, developing artfully articulate and introspective characters.

The author reads her own books for the audio versions and since I enjoy her voice and manner of reading, I downloaded The False Friend on audio from the library.  While Bee Season is the story of a family with particular attention to middle-school girl, The False Friend is the story of a 30-something woman who returns to her hometown in order to deal with a traumatic event from her past.  My first disappointment with this book came early when it became clear that the main character, the adult Celia, was no match for the twelve year old Eliza Neumann of Bee Season.  Although the intimate awareness and understanding of the complexities of each character was evident in her first book, the characters in The False Friend, and Celia in particular, were disappointingly hollow and narrowly drawn.

While the characters left something to be desired, the most compelling part of the book was the subject matter itself.  The story explored both the exclusivity and jealousy of childhood friendships between girls and the nature of memory, especially as it operates in high-stress situations.  Celia was going back home to confront an event that had taken place almost 20 years in the past.  As a part of that process, she meets with old friends who recall the situation much differently.  While the issues tackled are interesting ones, the story lacked the emotional resonance that I had hoped for.  I guess I'll just have to re-read Bee Season.

 

Then We Came to the End (Joshua Ferris)

This is the kind of writing that I love.  Dark, smart and clever, with a heart.  The world that Ferris creates in Then We Came to the End is alive from start to finish. I haven’t read a funny book in a while and after reading a post over at Book Snob I decided to move this one up on the list.  Katy was most certainly right about this one.

As the yellow Post-it’s on the cover indicate, this is a book about an office.  An advertising agency to be specific.  The New York Times review remarked on how the characters could have walked out of The Office in either it’s US or BBC versions.   As a fan of the show, it should be no surprise that one of the things I enjoyed most about this book was the characters.  From enigmatic Lynn Mason to wildly inappropriate Tom Mota and chatty, do-gooder Benny Shassburger, each of the characters felt familiar.  Ferris chose just the right details to reveal their inner lives.

It’s not just the characters that draw the reader into this world, it’s also the voice with which Ferris has chosen to write.   Although there are small segments of the book that don’t adhere to this, much of the story is written in first person plural.  The book opens with the lines, “We were fractious and overpaid.  Our mornings lacked promise”.  Immediately the reader is drawn into this world, actually becoming a part of it.  The language is familiar and when it’s not familiar it’s funny.  After becoming bored with all of the traditional ways to refer to getting laid off, the group adopts a new phrase.  The next one to go is suddenly “walking Spanish down the hall” and making sure that you are not the next one to be walking Spanish is all that really matters.

If you are looking for something that will make you laugh out loud, Then We Came to the End is your book.

The Crimson Petal and the White (Michel Faber)

You should read this book. Yes it's long, but it's tons of fun.  Really.  I've wanted to read this book for awhile, but I just couldn't get past the fact that it is set in 19th century England.  I'm not a big fan of that kind of thing, or so I thought.  Maybe I'm changing my tune.

Living Oprah: My One-Year Experiment to Walk the Walk of the Queen of Talk (Robyn Okrant)

I found this book in the audio section of the library and in spite of being an Oprah fan (say what you will),  I had never heard of this book or this project.  Have you?  Well, I guess I should tell you the deal.  Robyn Okrant is a writer, performer, director and yoga teacher who decided to devote an entire year to following all of the guidance/suggestions that Oprah makes on her show and in her magazine.  Here are her words on the why of the whole project:

"I believe Oprah to be the single most influential person in the media today – especially when it comes to impacting women. And many of the women in my life were judging themselves against the high bar Winfrey sets for her audience. I’ve always been skeptical whether it’s truly possible to find happiness when attempting to live up to someone else’s ideal, and yet, I realized that I too would look to television, magazine racks, and the Internet to “fix” myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Because Oprah, in my opinion, is at the epicenter of the self-help and personal growth movement in the media, I thought I’d put her advice to the test -- to see if following every suggestion, every “must,” every “gotta,” would actually lead me to my “best life.”

I also wondered if the costs – time and money – would be worth the effects of Living Oprah. Self-help is a thriving, growing industry and I wanted to weigh the price of committing to Winfrey’s lifestyle suggestions (which are completely holistic – from relationship advice, to fashion, to spirituality, to diet, to entertainment, to consumerism, and beyond) against the results. I was equally doubtful and hopeful about the outcome.

I allowed myself to be open to any and all possibilities..."

I really enjoyed the book.  I listened to it right when Toad went back to work and we were eagerly awaiting Bean.  It was the perfect distraction.  I'm always eager to find a good non-fiction book  and as one of those people who literally grew up with Oprah, this book was right up my alley.  Although I've probably watched 90% of her shows and I have a subscription to her magazine,  I don't think that the woman walks on water.   I think that she is a woman with alot of power who has done an unbelievable amount of good in the world, but she is still a woman.  A person.  I mention this bc I have been conflicted about my (how telling is THIS word) relationship with Oprah.  I really get some of the frustration that people have her as a powerful public figure.  But..... again I think that the good work she does outweighs any of the other stuff.

The point of this long ramble is to say that I'm glad I read the book.  Robyn Okrant helped me sort out a bit more of this tension btw power and good works.  And hey...it's just in time for Oprah's Farewell season.

Little Beauties (Kim Addonizio)

I had never heard of this author or this book, before I saw the cover at the library.  I could only find a small image, but the cover that I saw and that drew me right in, looked like this:



I loved the look of it and when I realized that it was about both OCD and pregnancy, I picked it right up.  The book follows three primary characters who are brought together in a mostly implausible set of circumstances.  The first is a 30-something former kiddie pageant phenom (Diana) who life has been fairly consumed by obsessive-compulsive disorder.  The second character is a pregnant teenager (Jamie) and her unborn baby (Stella) is the third.  A fairly odd cast.

I enjoyed Diana the most, likely bc she was by far the most fully drawn.  Jamie, the pregnant teen was pretty flat and while I like the idea of an infant narrator, it didn't really work so well.  Much of what Stella thought was pretty out there.  Of course, I have no idea what an infant might think about, so perhaps it was right on.  Who knows?

Overall, it was a fun read.  A little weak in places, but an interesting idea.

The Kiss: A Memoir (Kathryn Harrison)

It’s short, but certainly not sweet.  Darkly honest and terrifying, The Kiss is the story of a woman whose father enters her life for the first time in her early 20′s and makes her his lover.  I had never heard of this book until the author appeared on Oprah  to discuss incest when Mackenzie Phillips published High on Arrival.  The story was so unreal that I didn’t know what to expect.  Kathryn Harrison appeared poised and together on Oprah, but the pieces didn’t fit.  How could this seemingly normal woman have, by her own admission, fallen in love with her father?

If there is an answer to this question, The Kiss offers it.  Kathryn Harrison writes emotion brilliantly.  The reader inhabits the world of this story from the first page.  It is impossible to stand at the periphery.  Her writing has a percussive, poetic quality that makes such stark emotion feel safe and accessible.  We move forward and backward in time easily as Harrison creates connections between all three members of this desperate family.  It is hard to imagine a story that could be harder to tell, but Kathryn Harrison has done just that with grace and integrity.

The Help (Kathryn Stockett)

Read this book.  You absolutely MUST read this book.  I am not bossy by nature, but this is a book that everyone should read.

I imagine you've heard of it by now.  The New York Times calls it " the button-pushing, soon to be wildly popular novel about black domestic servants working in white Southern households in the early 1960s" in this review.

I have a hard time with fiction that speaks to race relations in the South, particularly those that deal with the relationship btw black and white women.  I'm still floored that so many people adored The Secret Life of Bees which seemed to reinforce a slew of stereotypes.  So, I was hesitant about this one.  It took me awhile.

I am (of course) not neutral on any of these issues and I recommend this book to you as a person with the following experiences:

• My entire family (both sides) are from and currently live in Mississippi
  
• I was raised in a Southern city that most Southerners do not view as part of the South in spite of its geography
  
• I spent many of my childhood summers in Mississippi
  
• My cousins went to high schools that had two homecoming queens (one black and one white)
  
• My parents were in MS schools when they were integrated
  
• My mother was in high school when Medger Evers was shot in his own driveway and lived in the same town as the man who shot him  (Byron De La Beckwith)
  
• My research area in grad school was stereotyping and prejudice and my major professor was a black woman
  
• I've spent the last three years as the only white female in my academic department in an HBCU (historically black college/university)

I tell you all of this to say that I think about this kind of thing a lot and this particular book didn't feel as false as many of the ones that have gone before it.

One last thing - if you can, get the audio version.  You can probably borrow it from your library.  The narrators are fantastic and the voices really add to the authenticity of the story.

Sarah's Key (Tatiana De Rosnay)

Loved it.  Loved it so much that I read it one day.  Yesterday.

This is a book that is getting lots of buzz in the world of women's fiction and I'm going to buzz right along with the crowd.  In case you haven't heard, this is the story of an American woman (Julia) living in Paris who becomes drawn into a dark and silent aspect of French history - the direct involvement of the French government in the extermination of the Jews during WWII.  Into Julia's narrative is woven the story of a Jewish girl named Sarah who lived in Paris during the summer of 1942.  For me, this book is about the power of history, of knowing your own story and knowing that part of your story is the story of your family.

Sarah's Key is a unique combination of thought-provoking/interesting and page-turnability.  I'm making up words here people.  It's that good.  Usually a quick read is not always a deep read, but in this case you get both.  I devoured the story and now I want to know more about the topic.  I have French heritage and although my family (as far as I know) was Catholic, I'm eager to know more about the role that the French played in the Holocaust.  Anybody know of a good book?

Books Are Heavy

As you know, we will be moving this summer.  Between the arrival of Spring and the impending move, everything in my house is looking like something else that has to be packed and eventually unpacked.  Because today is Reader day, I decided to share some information about my new friend, PaperBackSwap.com.

I have a satisfying and enduring relationship with my local used book store.  However, between my home and office bookshelves I'm thinking that it is likely that trading all of the books I would like to unload would leave me with a store credit that would be dangerously high.  If you are wondering what I mean by dangerous, please refer to the title of this post.

I was discussing this with Toad who suggested that instead of trade credit, I simply ask  for cash.  This seems like a good idea except for the fact that I know you get SO much less value for your books if you ask for cash.  I'm  not aiming to profit from my books, but something resembling a trade would be nice.

Enter PaperBack Swap.  The service is free and entirely user-friendly.  As a new member, you simply provide email and mailing address, list 10 books you are willing to swap and for your trouble, they send you two books for free.  I have requested this:

and this:



Yes, I do have eclectic tastes.  Should someone request a book that I have made available, I will pay the postage, send the book and get a credit for a book of my choosing.  See..... it's a swap! :)

This seems like a great plan to me.  I can offload textbooks to the used book store and hang onto my paperbacks for future swapping.  I know Toad will be all about this.  Think of all the money I'm saving us!!!!  Hey, the university is moving us so we don't have to carry this books. ;)

Fieldwork (Mischa Berlinksi)

I had never heard of Mischa Berlinski or this book until it arrived in the mail one day.  A very welcome surprise from Toad's Mom.  Finding a book in your mailbox that you didn't know was coming and have never heard of is a very good thing indeed.  Finding this particular book was even better than that.

Fieldwork is Berlinksi's first novel, published in 2007, and a finalist for the National Book Award.  Not bad for a writer right out of the gate.  As the title suggests, this novel is set within the world of academic sociology.  The story is told by an American journalist living in northern Thailand with his girlfriend.  In the conversation that opens the novel, he hears the story of a promising American sociologist who came to Thailand to do fieldwork for a number of years with a tribe called the Dyalo.  By the time her story is being told to the narrator, she is dead after taking her own life in a Thai prison where she is sent after killing a man.  The man is the prodigal son of an American missionary family.

Although the reader never hears her voice, Martiya van der Luen is the focus of the novel.  The narrator becomes obsessed with trying to understand and investigate her story.  This search leads him from the ivory towers of the American university system to the tribal world and traditions of the Dyalo hill people to the expat missionaries who live among the Dyalo in the hopes of helping them find their way towards God.  The author creates each of these worlds with enormous heart and the obsessive nature of his quest lends a fast-paced, suspense feel to the story line.  The book raises many interesting questions about the nature of cultural immersion and the reality of "going native", the commitment and motivation of Christian missionaries, and the meaning of a spiritual life.  While these are the kinds of questions that are right up my alley, they aren't what I enjoyed most about the book.  I loved the world that Berlinksi created.  Actually the worlds, plural.  When he let the various characters speak, their voices felt true.  Although much of the story was built from internal narrative, he used dialogue smoothly and well.

I am hoping that Mischa Berlinksi writes another book soon.  I would love to find it in my mailbox.  If you want to know more, here's the books' website.

Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, & Obsession (Julie Powell)

Awkward.  Painful.  Embarrassing.  These are the words that most immediately come to mind in response to my most recent date with Julie Powell.

But, let me back up a bit.  We really should start from the beginning.

In the beginning, there was reluctance.  Sometime last summer it seemed that everyone was reading Julie & Julia.  You couldn’t walk through the most pathetic grocery store in town without seeing its cover beckoning from the racks.  The book was everywhere, there was talk of a movie.  I was staying out of it.  Why?  Well, because I have a snooty disregard for the bestseller.  If “the American public” was eating this book up with a spoon, well then I was full.

Of course eventually the inevitable happened.   I heard enough glowing reports from people I actually knew that when a copy turned up at my favorite used book store, I made the purchase.  Unfortunately I was so late to the party that it was the movie paperback edition, but I enjoyed the story.  The project, the obsessiveness, the poor housekeeping.  I was in.  Julie felt familiar to me.  I could relate to her and I was inspired by her success.  In fact, I even saw the  movie.  Not in the theaters, but shortly after it went to DVD.  My wife fell asleep before Meryl Streep even appeared on the screen, but I made it through the whole thing and was quite glad I did.

And then there was Cleaving.  Long before my name came up on the library wait list, the buzz began and the buzz was bad.  All of the news seemed to suggest that Julie Powell had run off the rails.  Gone a tad too far.  Of course, by this time I was in and when I’m in, I’m hard to shake.  So, I put my name on the list and waited patiently.

Last week, my name came up.  I wish it hadn’t.  Reading this book felt like stumbling on the drunken diary of a friend and making the decision to settle in and read the whole thing.  A decision you would be sure to later regret.  It is not so much the startling lack of restraint in this book that makes it so alarming, but rather the fact that all of this over-sharing leads to neither insight nor resolution.  At the end, I am left with a deeper understanding only of butchering technique, a topic I never really wanted to understand.

In spite of the bad reviews, I held out hope for the story because I have my own struggles with knowing exactly where the line of appropriateness actually lies and I’m pretty brave in the face of TMI.  Relationships are hard and bad things happen, it’s true.  It’s also true that sharing the story can be redemptive.  But sometimes, it’s just sharing for the sake of it.  And that is the purview of a good friend, not the reading public.